Turn of Phrase
by sQuIsHeDbRoCcOlLi
Summary: A collection of drabbles based on common sayings and linguistic puns. Meant to be hilarious.
1. One: The Tables are Turned

**One: The Tables are Turned**

Disclaimer: I'd just like to say that I don't own this stuff. (No, not even the caustic toilet cleaning substance)  
>Disclaimer Part Two: hi there, this is an experimental project based on linguistic puns. Try not to worry.<p>

Canon verse : spoilers for post SS Arc : rated T

* * *

><p>It was a normal day in Hueco Mundo. The Arrancars were bickering, the Espadas were destroying buildings, and the Menos were...well, snacking on each other. It was, typically, normal.<p>

Up in the more secluded areas of Las Noches, Tousen Kaname twiddled his thumbs in anticipation. According to this newfangled device from the Transient World called a PDA (what luck, it came with a voice function), lunch was to be served in an hour's time.

From the vast expanse of white sand beyond the castle, a long, thin object could be seen stretching from one tower window to the ground, uprooting random unfortunate trees and occasionally retracting playfully.

Clearly, Ichimaru Gin had nothing to do.

Back in the palace, Aizen sat in his throne admiring the Hogyoku, fondly rubbing its slightly angular surface while quietly humming a cheerful ditty to himself. He, too, was having a relaxed morning basking in the glory of his manipulative complex.

-0-0-0-

However, as the day progressed, things seemed to be less and less normal. It had all started when Aizen stumbled across one of his favourite little tables lying upturned along the corridor.

Thinking it had been the work of some foul, malodorous, lowly Arrancar, he tenderly repositioned it, all the while muttering curses and swears.

At that time, Aizen thought nothing of the incident. It was, after all, just an upset table (that actually rather upset him as well).

It was only during lunch, while he was luxuriously perched on his pristine throne consuming what was known as a TV dinner, that he began to smell a rat. (A rather large rat, at that).

Hordes of Arrancar had come rushing into his throne room, complaining about how all the tables in the dining hall were placed firmly upside down with their four wooden legs pointing skywards. All the tableware was still set as neatly as ever - but on the underside of the table. The chairs, however, had been reportedly unaffected.

Soon after that, the Espadas too blasted their way through the double oak doors to the throne room, bemoaning the unfortunate upturning of the large banquet table at which they had their meals. They lodged the same complaint - that lunch was served on the underside of the overturned table and the flowers nicely arranged in the centre. The tablecloth was apparently spread neatly over the floor with the tabletop placed skilfully in the centre, while the chairs were arranged primly around the setup.

Just as the sovereign figure of authority was about to suspect his silver-haired right-hand-man, said man bristled into the room, eyes (and unsheathed sword) flashing dangerously. Immediately, a path cleared for him.

It turned out that his blindingly white desk had been set upon its smooth top finishing, and like every other table, had its occupants repositioned on its belly. Following this influx of complaints, Tousen stumbled hurriedly into the room, wailing about how his favourite desk had been replaced by four wooden poles roughly the same height as his table.

Growing steadily more and more annoyed and irate, Aizen quickly arranged for a telecommunications screen meeting with Soul Society, just to confirm some of his suspicions.

-0-0-0-

'_Shinigami_!' the highly distinguished man hissed. 'What is the meaning of upsetting all of my tables?' he screeched. The Arrancars "boo-ed" excitedly.

Aizen's speech of courage was met with amused gazes and suppressed giggles.

'What?' he roared. 'I'll castrate the lot of you!' he shrieked in a rather ungainly manner. Did they have any idea how much he'd paid for all those tables?

'Now, now, Sousuke-kun,' Kyouraku managed to say before bursting into a fit of chuckles.

'Get on with it,' the dignified man threatened.

'Well, this just means,' Kuchiki Byakuya picked up calmly, 'that the tables are turned. This is war, Aizen Sousuke.'

-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, Shihoin Yoruichi and Soi Fon clinked glasses of alcohol.

'A job well done, Soi Fon.'

* * *

><p><em>Author's note: please feedback; it would be very much appreciated! thankyou.<br>should this continue into a series, there may or may not be AUs. if there are, it will be marked at the top of the specific chapter. _


	2. Two: Eat My Wrath

**Two: Eat My Wrath **:a continuation of The Tables Are Turned:

Disclaimer: nope. not mine. not ever.  
>Warning: insanity, and an odd insertion of modern commodities such as Tupperware.<p>

canon verse : spoilers for post SS Arc : rated K+

* * *

><p>With the entirety of the Gotei Thirteen sniggering and rolling about on the floor at his expense, needless to say Aizen figured some revenge was in order.<p>

So, there he was, fondling the Hogyoku and deep in thought, only to be interrupted by the unceremonious crashing sound that sounded vaguely like his double oak doors falling off their hinges.

Trying his best to ignore the everyday chaos, Aizen concluded that the (honourable?) Gotei Thirteen had to pay for disrupting what would have been a peaceful and harmonious lunchtime in Hueco Mundo. It was war, after all.

Hurriedly, he ordered every Espada to report immediately to formulate certain strategies, still doing his very best in ignoring the gaping hole of a doorframe several metres to his left. He _did_ need something creative and out of the box in order to defeat the bunch of sword-wielding buffoons that were so-very-sadly his enemies.

He could always use the entertainment. But, no, now he was obliged to formulate an intricate plan that would inexplicably lead to their extermination.

Oh well.

-0-0-0-

Soul Society's figures of authority were, to say the least, bemused when the telecommunications screen crackled to life once again, revealing Aizen's placid smile and his underlings' lopsided sneers.

'Soul Society,' he began, just as the sniggers started up. 'I will never forget that Table Incident. But now, as you can see,' at this point he gestured towards the tables in the background, 'the tables are right where they were supposed to be!'

The Arrancars cheered.

'So,' the leader of Hueco Mundo continued, 'I thought that if we were to enjoy some lunch, you would appreciate some too.' The brown-haired man smiled seemingly kindly upon the bored faces of the Shinigami.

Noticing the apathy he was receiving, Aizen decided to quickly put an end to this little tirade. 'Lunch will arrive shortly. That is, within 24 hours. We guarantee nothing.' With that, the screen blacked out to the fading chuckles of the Arrancar.

-0-0-0-

'I say we unplug the cable to this stupid screen.' Kuchiki Byakuya did not seem to be in very high spirits today.

'_I_ say we take up his lunch offer!'

'Are you crazy? He could be poisoning us! And then what would happen to Soul Society? He would kill them all!'

'But he seemed friendly enough...'

'Actually, I'm getting quite hungry too.'

'No! None of you are allowed to succumb to his ploy.'

'This is bribery.'

'Trickery.'

'Lunch!'

'SILENCE!'

Many pairs of eyes turned upon Yamamoto expectantly. 'Kuchiki-taichou, Hitsugaya-taichou, I trust you will investigate this..._meal_ Aizen had offered and dispose of it in the correct manner. I would like a report. As for the rest of you, _no_ lunch with Aizen! And _absolutely not_ teatime!' he finished with a flourish and a glare in the general direction of the Eleventh.

-0-0-0-

With a cackle and a guffaw, lunch was delivered via Garganta delivery at roughly 10pm into the waiting arms of Byakuya, who promptly shipped the parcel personally to the doorstep of the Tenth Division.

Settling themselves by a small lamp, the duo began to tear the cardboard box open.

'It seems to be a Christmas decoration, commonly known as a wreath. Christmas is a Christian celebration in the Transient World, commonly celebrated on the 25th of December, where people send gifts to each other and have feasts. Christianity is a religion.' Hitsugaya Toushirou set the encyclopedia down on the floor.

'Sounds like bogus to me. It's mid-July right now.'

'Clearly, Aizen lost his calendar or his wits.'

'Or it could have some other kind of meaning to it...'

'Open that Tupperware. It probably contains the meal.' Very carefully, Byakuya pried the airtight lid off the transparent white bowl and was met with a faceful of freshly microwaved steam.

'Looks like soup to me,' he commented, and Hitsugaya was off, flipping his way through the encyclopedia.

There was an uncomfortably long silence before either party spoke.

'Soup. A liquid substance that can be quite substantial.' he squinted at the page. Who on earth wrote this? 'Often used to substitute or accompany meals; comes in many varieties. It seems that this happens to be Alphabet Soup. It has little pieces of the English Alphabet made out of pasta. Pasta is an Italian noodle.'

'Perhaps it would do some good to see if the letters contain any hidden messages.'

-0-0-0-

Several hours and many cups of tea later, the two heads of the investigative squads of Soul Society were stumped. They realised, to their dismay, that not many words (English, Japanese or Spanish) could be formed into coherent sentences without a single E in the entire bowl of soup.

'Perhaps there was no hidden meaning in the soup, that Aizen just meant well...'

Byakuya snorted uncharacteristically, and the two continued to rearrange soggy little bits of alphabets while sprawled across the floor.

-0-0-0-

The next morning, seven Captains appeared in the Meeting Hall bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, one came bright-eyed yet bushy-bearded while the last two arrived harbouring the largest eyebags, migraines, Tupperware and wreath ever known to man.

'Well? What have you discovered?' the bushy-bearded one questioned.

'Nothing,' Hitsugaya replied miserably, 'except this wreath and a bowl of soup.'

'Details,' Yamamoto demanded.

'Yes sir. The package was delivered last night at 10pm, and in it we discovered nothing potentially dangerous. There was a Christmas decoration and a bowl of Alphabet Soup with every alphabet except E. Our investigation was inconclusive, Sir.'

It was, at that timely moment, that the telecommunications screen chose to leap to life once more.

'I see you have received my gift, dearest Shinigami?'

There was a grunt.

'And have you discovered its meaningfulness?'

Another grunt.

'Well, if you would enjoy the wreath without the Es, I would have exacted my revenge! Eat my _wrath_!' he roared before bursting into a fit of uncontrollable cackles of evil glee.

* * *

><p><em>end. <em>

_A/N: alright, even I admit, that was awfully lame. I apologise. (and you can review! heh. thanks)_


	3. Three: Missing the Point

**Three: Missing the Point**

Disclaimer: nah...you know what it is

canon verse : no spoilers : rated K

* * *

><p>All was peaceful in Soul Society. People were busy training, doing work, and occasionally, getting drunk (okay, maybe it wasn't that peaceful).<p>

In the Sixth Division office, however, Abarai Renji found himself stumped by the scene before him.

'Kuchiki-taichou...?'

'What.'

'What are you doing, Sir?'

'Missing the point.'

'I'm missing the point, Taichou? I'm merely asking you what you're doing!'

'If you don't understand, go away. Yoruichi said this practice would be a good change for me.'

'Taichou, actually, I have seen people sitting on beds of nails, lying across beds of nails, _meditating_ while on a bed of nails, but floating _above_ the bed of nails? That's unheard of, Taichou! Please come down.' There was still paperwork to do, after all.

'Abarai,' the noble deadpanned. 'Perhaps, you do not understand. Leave.' Renji tried his best not to look hurt.

'Uh, Taichou? I'm just trying to understand why, if you're going to be hovering in the air, would you need the bed of nails?'

Someone sure was persistent today.

'It is essential. Someone of your calibre would not understand.' He paused, contemplated slightly, and reconsidered. 'Maybe you would do well. You seem to be grasping the concept.'

'Concept of what?'

'Missing the point, of course. If you took away the bed of nails, there would be no points to miss! I'd fall to the floor.'

* * *

><p><em>AN: I realise it's incredibly short compared to the other chapters. However, as seeing that this isn't exactly a plotfic, it shouldn't bother you too much, right? Please review, don't make poor **ShiragikuOokami **feel left out..._

_haha thanks a lot, by the way, for reviewing both chapters! heh. And, uh, another disclaimer: ShiragikuOokami is not like, some planted reviewer that I recruited, okay? I don't sink that low..._


	4. Four: The Last Straw

**Four: The Last Straw  
><strong>Disclaimer: not mine.  
>Warning: lameness. Please watch out.<p>

canon verse : post-SS arc spoilers : rated K+

* * *

><p>Ichigo didn't really know what to expect when the Karakura Advanced Guard appeared at his classroom.<p>

Honestly, six Shinigami in a school? What were they thinking? He'd have to take responsibility for all of them and their ignorance...Which brought him to this current situation at the top of the roof during lunch hour.

'Ichigo!' Ikkaku hurled a nicely wrapped rice ball at said carrot's head.

'Ow! What?' He bit his tongue, trying his best not to swear in front of the ladies.

'Open that,' he snarled, pointing his wooden sword at the shiny little plastic package.

'Uh, alright? Look, I'll show you, okay? You grab this little green tab, and pull it in the direction of the arrow. It's like opening Pocky-'

'Pocky? What's that?'

'Uh, never mind that. Look, just pull it gently, and the wrapper comes off! It's as easy as that!' With a smirk, he ripped the green tab right off, sending the rice ball flying back into Ikkaku's face. Dropping the wrapper in the bald man's lap, he turned tail and hid behind Matsumoto.

'That's not very pretty,' Yumichika commented, daintily shelling as many rice balls as he could of their little plastic wrappers.

'Ichigo-kun?' Matsumoto commenced on her lunch. 'Could you help me figure out this strange contraption? It says..."Juice". How do I drink it?'

'Rukia knows, bother her instead,' the orange-haired Substitute Shinigami mumbled between mouthfuls of rice ball that he'd been pilfering from Yumichika (He didn't need that many, anyway, he reassured himself).

However, seconds later he was tortured with the shrill screams of two females - incidentally, the two who had been attempting to drink juice.

'What now?' he was losing his temper, and he was losing it fast.

'It's broken!' Matsumoto and Rukia chorused in dismay, presenting a straw bent at the join - nothing wrong, he thought.

'It's not! That's how it's _supposed_ to look!' and angrily, he jammed the straw into the packet. 'There. Drink up.'

'Actually, Ichigo,' Renji butted in, 'Maybe you'd like to help me unwrap this sandwich I got from that funny machine there?'

'Works like the rice ball.'

'Never eaten one before.'

'There's always a first. Be gentle to the poor bread, Renji!' Ichigo squawked in horror as a combination of egg and mayonnaise came squirting out from the package.

Seriously, these people were ruining the supposed age of knowledge and technology.

'Kurosaki. Juice. Open.' and Ichigo found himself saddled with another packet of juice. Nearly mangling the packet in his frustration, he skewered it with a little plastic tube and dropped it, leaking, into Hitsugaya's lap.

'Alright, that's the last straw! I can't take it anymore! Leave me alone and open your own lunch!'

Hitsugaya looked up blankly. 'If I'm not wrong, Kurosaki, this is the _only_ straw.'

* * *

><p><em>AN: I told you. It's lame again, though you actually should have seen it coming. Please review! (and suggest phrases with potential, 'cause I'm just winging it now...)_


	5. Five: Resting on Your Laurels

**Five: Resting on Your Laurels**

Disclaimer: nope. just like it is with a vending machine, there are no coins rolling out of this for me.  
>(And as requested by <strong>Disciple Of The Dragon Star<strong>，Kenpachi makes an appearance!) (what a long name you have)  
>As for <strong>ShiragikuOokami<strong>, thanks for the phrases! Heh, even though I didn't use any of them this time round...they'll appear! I promise! (well, some of them)

Canon verse : post SS arc spoilers : Rated K+

* * *

><p>'With Aizen planning an attack,' Yamamoto droned on as the Captains of Soul Society gently nodded off, 'we must be constantly alert. There will be no more resting on our laurels, we must always be ready for attack!'<p>

With that, the rather spirited (ooh, lame pun) Captain-commander adjourned the meeting.

-0-0-0-

All was well in the Eleventh Division compound. Windows were shattering, swords were being waved around and complaint letters from the Tenth and Twelfth were pouring in.

Breaking all signs of normalcy, the highly-respected Vice-Captain (someone snorted) asked innocently, 'what are laurels, where are they, and why did Yama-jii tell us not to lie on them?'

Silence, another rare commodity, blanketed the Eleventh Division as its members stood stunned and slightly confused. That was an excellent question. Where were these _laurels_ and who exactly was lying on them?

As Captain of the Division, Zaraki Kenpachi felt a moral obligation to hunt down the answers.

-0-0-0-

Vice-Captain Ise Nanao met the flailing mob at her office door with her eyes wide and mouth agape. After all, it wasn't every day that an entire division turned up at your doorstep demanding the answers to life.

'What are laurels?' Straight and to the point, she noted. Always a good sign.

'Excuse me? Would you like to speak to Captain Kyouraku instead?' And hurriedly, she slammed the door having directed them towards the roof, only to have the unfortunate panel of wood forced from its hinges by a desperate group of blundering idiots.

'That's another several thousand Kan off the division budget once again...' Nanao muttered to herself as she scribbled something of the like on that infamous clipboard.

From above, there was a drunken moan and the ominous sounds of cracking roof tiles and rolling bottles. When Nanao groaned again and began writing furiously with renewed vigour, the Eleventh Division took the cue to target someone else.

'Byakkun has lots of books,' their ringleader mused. 'And he's smart. Maybe we can ask him!'

With a flurry of battle cries and dusty sandals, they were off, leaving poor Nanao to faint against what was left of her front door frame.

-0-0-0-

Much to everyone's dismay, not only was Captain Kuchiki away from the office, but Abarai Renji had taken his place at the large oak desk. 'What do you want?' he snapped impatiently.

Clearly, it was All Captains' Absence Day and therefore Vice-captains' Day of Suffering, with the exception of Yachiru. 'Okay, Eyebrows, what are laurels?'

The man's tattooed namesake twitched dangerously. '...I think they are a type of plant. Now go away.'

'What's wrong with lying on plants? Everyone does it, why can't we lie on laurels?' the intimidating voice of Kenpachi resounded around the room, rocking the foundations of its delicate china ornaments.

Cries of agreement resounded from the squad not renowned for their intelligence.

Not quite registering what she was saying, Renji mumbled offhandedly, 'because they tickle you.'

Yachiru descended into deep thought before asking once again, 'who told you this?'

'...Captain Ukitake. Leave me alone,' he mumbled once more.

'Sure thing, Eyebrows!' and with a clatter of breaking furniture and upset inkwells, the Eleventh Division left the Sixth as gracefully as they could manage.

-0-0-0-

'Captain Zaraki, Vice-captain Kusajishi, I will not allow any visitors for Captain Ukitake at the moment,' the men were faced with the most terrifying figure in Soul Society - head of the Fourth.

Not the most dampened in spirit, Kenpachi immediately unsheathed his sword. 'Oh? Who are you to say anything, Beardy Lady?'

'I do think that -' Her soft voice was immediately interrupted by shrieks and yelps, getting louder with every passing second.

'Oh, Ikkaku my dear drinking buddy!' Someone gagged. 'Save me from this monster!'

'Monster? I'll show you what a monster is once I freeze your butt to the chair!'

'How dare you let your Vice-captain run rampant in this manner? I demand compensation on all my members' medical fees and The Shrine to the Black Cats!'

'Oh save me!'

'Who the hell has a cat shrine? Matsumoto hand that thing over right now!'

'Here, Ikkaku, take this from me!'

'How dare you insult the cats, you imbecile, you lowlife!'

'Now, now everyone. Please calm down.'

'I will NOT calm down! An apology is in order. _Many_ apologies, in fact.'

'Give it back!'

'A FIGHT!'

'Captain Zaraki, a fight is not required. Captain Soifon, please calm down. Vice-captain Matsumoto, kindly give me the teapot. And Captain Hitsugaya, please breathe, the teapot is safe now.' With a gentle smile, Captain Unohana swept grandly out of the scene, preceding a long, awkward silence.

'Do we get to find the tickling plants now?'

'Maybe another day, Yachiru. I think everyone's had enough entertainment for now.' Kenpachi gestured at the battered remains of their division.

* * *

><p><em>AN: okay, so I didn't really answer the question about laurels, but at least it was different from the rest? heh, I realise I don't write when I'm free, I write when I have procrastinating to do. whoops. _

_Please review! Thank you!_


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